I realized the other day that we have not spoken for more than 12 years now. I know that angry silences between close relatives is a hallowed Halligan family tradition, but I would really like to heal this wound that we have. I do not know how you feel about it, but it disturbs me.
Although I still hurt from the way you treated me while living with you from 1980 to 1989, and although those hateful words you spat at me about “the mistake of my birth” still ring in my ears, I would like to communicate with you and see if we can find a way to heal this break.
Can we not come to some understanding?
I have never understood why you seemed to have a special anger for me, a vicious mean-spirited feeling that bordered on hatred. Why? What did I do to earn this?
I would really be grateful for an answer to this question.
Did I repeatedly disobey you? lie to you? even defy you? Yes, I did. But what did you expect from a son with the same stubborn and independent mind as yourself?
What do you expect a child to do in a situation where he can trust no one? count on no one? where the child feels that he is unloved, uncared for, neglected and the victim of a campaign of anger and violence?
What did you expect when you severely beat me, physically and mentally, for the tiniest infractions? How do you expect a child to react to this kind of abuse?
Did you expect me to buckle under? To meekly submit and do whatever you said? Is that the kind of son you would have liked to raise? A weak-spined slave who submits before abuse and violence?
Was I supposed to forgo my own opinions, my own thoughts and ideas and merely replace them with what you thought?
I certainly hope not.
I know that you were not happy about my birth. Perhaps this frustrated your life plans? You have never talked to me about this, so I don’t know.
But I cannot find any reason for you to blame me for this. It is not my fault that I was born and I refuse to accept responsibility for any inconvenience this caused you.
Are you upset that I invaded your home and new family in 1980? I know I have always felt unwelcome in your home, both on Manchester St and Pine Valley. I always felt as if I was an unwelcome guest who had long overstayed his welcome.
However, I know that you were not forced to take me in then. I know that my mother’s brother offered to take me in more than once. So, once again, I am innocent and I do not see how you can rightfully be angry with me over this.
In any case, I was a child of 9 who knew nothing of any of this. I only found out that I had been conceived out-of-wedlock by rifling through your files, discovering the marriage certificate and putting 2 and 2 together.
What do you say? Are you interested in communicating with me?
